What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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