What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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