What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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