What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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