What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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