What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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