What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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