What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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