What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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