What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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