What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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