What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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