What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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