What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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