What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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