What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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