What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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