What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?

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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.

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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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