What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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