What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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