What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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