What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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