What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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