What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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