What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Once there was a family called the Biggers. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their son. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?

His son, because he's a little Bigger!

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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.

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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

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