What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!

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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.

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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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