What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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