What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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