What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.

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