What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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