What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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