What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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