What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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