What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.


It's something I could really see myself doing.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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