What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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