What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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