What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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