What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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