What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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