What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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