What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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