What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.

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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies

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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.

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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet

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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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