What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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