What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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