What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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