What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WHAT?
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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