What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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