What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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