What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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