What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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