What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Where is a rabbit's favorite place to eat?

Ihop
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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