What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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