What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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