What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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