What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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