What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.

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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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