What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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