What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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