What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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