What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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