What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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