What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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