What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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A seal walks into a club...
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What is a spaceman's favorite chocolate?

A marsbar!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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