What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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