What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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