What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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