What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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