What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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