What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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