What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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