What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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