What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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