What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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