What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Dorian Gray Jokes,

they never get old!
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