What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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