What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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