What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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