What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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