What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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