What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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