What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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