What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What is at the end of everything?

The letter G.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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