What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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