What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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