What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What do bees do with their honey?

They cell it.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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