What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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