What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
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