What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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