What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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