What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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