What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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