What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What clothes does a house wear?

Address.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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What did the necktie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
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