What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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