What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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