What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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