What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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