What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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