What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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