What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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