What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?

Her New Jersey.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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