What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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