What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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