What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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