What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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