What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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