What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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