What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.

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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.

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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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