What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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