What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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