What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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