What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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