What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.

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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.

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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.

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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow

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