What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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