What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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