What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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