What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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