What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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