What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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