What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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