What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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