What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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