What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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