What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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