What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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