What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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