What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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