What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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