What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.
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