What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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