What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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