What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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