What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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