What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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