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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A Moo-sician!
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What do Santa's elves drink?
Minnesoda.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?
Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?
Let's get crackin'!
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them
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What is a lion's favorite state?
Maine
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Why do you bring fish to a party?
Because it goes good with chips.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?
A bed.
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