What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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