What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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