What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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