What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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