What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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