What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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