What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

He was catching all the chickens!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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