What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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