What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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