What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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