What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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