What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many subscribers to AOL does it take to change a light bulb?

What? You can change light bulbs?
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How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

``Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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