What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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