What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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