What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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