What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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