What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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