What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut

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