What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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