What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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