What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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