What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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