What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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