What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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