What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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