What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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