What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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