What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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