What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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