What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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