What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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