What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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