What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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