What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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