What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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