What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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