What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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