What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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