What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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